Fuck. I just want to shoot something. I want to leave here. I want my mom to wise up and divorce my dad. I want to be as far away from here as possible. I want to call him a fucking asshole and disown him as a father. That’s what I want to do. He hasn’t been my father. He is just an ass…that I have to live with. He had a panic attack, and I was glad. I hope it happens again. I think of it as karma. Bad karma for me for thinking it. If I never see him again, that would be too much bliss. I don’t know whether I’m just being a “rebellious teenager,” but I know I don’t like him. His muscles and skin disgusts me. His eating habits make me want to throw up. His jokes and comments make me wish I was deaf. His superior feeling makes me feel so angry. He thinks he has the rights to tell people what to do. Maybe he should work out his own shit first. No. That isn’t logical. Lets call people a dumb ho because feelings are hurt.
…I know I don’t have it the worst. I’m not trying to be competitive about my life. I’m ranting because I’m mad. I’m furious.
His jokes fucked me up a bit. I used to think I was this horrible person because I was told at a young age repetitively that if anyone was to want me, the person would have to be bribed and receive gifts. There would be no other way for anyone to want me.
I don’t even know what to say. Most people probably won’t read this, and that’s okay. I’m ranting for my sake because I can’t scream. I am supposed to stay out, ignore, mind my own business because it has nothing to do with me. I don’t know what to do. I try to be as happy as I can, and not let this stop me from thinking and doing what I want. I try to go to my safe haven, my boyfriend’s, as much as I can. It’s so difficult to be here listening to my mom hitting my dad and crying, Dad calling her a dumb whore who can’t say the truth… I love my mom. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve this controlling asshole…